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Looking for Mr. Goodmovie

BY TOM MITSOFF

Another summer of blockbuster movies is underway, and so is the box office watch.

Already Spiderman and Star Wars II are among the top 20 revenue-grossing movies of all time, and this is even before the DVD and VHS sales begin. As of Sunday, Spiderman had generated over $350 million in ticket sale revenues, with Star Wars II having sold more than $230 million in tickets in two fewer weeks of general release.

With this kind of revenue potential, the movie industry is always looking for the next Titanic or Harry Potter. Along the way, they pore through hundreds and hundreds of scripts, screenplays and concepts. Here are some that, according to some semi-reliable sources, are awaiting the go-ahead from studio executives:

Being Jar Jar Binks -- Computer-generated characters and the directors who create them have feelings too! Director George Lucas, stung by ongoing criticism of his digital character from “Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace,” decides that no story line is weak enough to derail the Star Wars revenue-generating empire. Follow Jar Jar’s life from a tadpole Gungan on Naboo; learn how his odd speech patterns are a product of environment instead of heredity; watch as all of the other young Gungans used to laugh and call him names, and they wouldn’t let poor Jar Jar join in any Gungan games.

But then one murky Naboo eve, George Lucas came to say, “Jar Jar, with your scales so bright, won’t you give my prequel flight?”

Then all the Gungans loved him, as they shouted out with glee, “Jar Jar, weesa thinks yousa okie dokie, yousa’ll go down in history!”

Starring John Malkovich as the military school counselor who befriends Jar Jar and helps to bring him out of his exoskeleton; Kathleen Turner as the voice of Jessica Rabbit, with whom Jar Jar has a fling that rocks both Naboo and Toontown (and leads to his soon-to-be-classic line, “I‘m not completely daft; I‘m just computer generated that way“); and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

Still Happy Days? -- The latest in the series of classic TV programs to be brought to the big screen, Director Tim Burton brings his distinctively dark, foreboding style to this look at the lives of Richie, Fonzie and the gang 50 years later. The Fonz still wears his trademark leather jacket, but has put on some weight and a bit of an edge as the head of the Fonzarelli crime syndicate of Milwaukee. Played by Marlon Brando, the Fonz still commands respect while hunkered down in his headquarters, the former Arnold’s restaurant. Arnold, played poignantly by Jackie Chan, serves up burgers, fries and martial arts bodyguarding for the Fonz and his entourage. Ralph Malph, played by Robert DiNiro, has found success and security as the Fonz’s top lieutenant and enforcer in Milwaukee, while Potsie Weber, played by Engelbert Humperdink, croons in Vegas clubs while heading up Fonzarelli operations west.

Britney Spears plays the Fonz’s young gal pal, with Andy Griffith and Angela Lansbury as Mr. And Mrs. C. In a major disappointment to moviegoers, no light sabres are expected to appear in this film.

The Grapes of Math -- Russell Crowe is back as mathematical genius John Nash, reprising the role which resulted in him being just about the only Oscar nominee for “A Beautiful Mind” who didn’t win one. In this quickly conceived sequel, the Nobel Prize winner for his breakthrough in economic theory is lured out of semi-retirement to become the Chief Financial Officer of the Antarctic Grape Growers Association. Asked to troubleshoot the industry and determine why profits are down, Crowe’s character takes a page from the actor’s book when he says, “I can do anything. I am the greatest chief financial officer ever!” Jack Nicholson co-stars in a supporting role as the banker financing the association, and delivers the soon-to-be classic line to Crowe, “You can’t HANDLE the truth!”

Get Out of My Dreams, Get In Front of My Car -- The story of basketball star Shaquille O’Neal’s drive for his third consecutive NBA title. With the road to the third straight title considerably lacking in real-life drama, Director Francis Ford Coppola adds a few high-speed chase scenes and a few military strategy and conflict sequences to make it interesting. The New Jersey Nets appear in a supporting role as the deer in the headlights.

The Serengeti: Wildebeest in Paradise -- This deceptively titled film stars Sandra Bullock as a hard-working FBI agent toiling in anonymity until she uncovers the activities of a foreign terrorist who is part of conspiracy to do great harm and damage to the United States. Bullock’s character comes to Washington to testify before a Senate panel, and while there, she meets and falls in love with a pop star (played by Matt Damon) who has won approval from NASA to be a space shuttle passenger. When asked why this feel-good story has such an unusual title, Director Dennis Rodman comments that the title needed to be original since the subject matter wasn’t.

But then again, semi-reliable sources can be very silly sometimes.

This column was written June 9, 2002, and published in several print publications across the country.